Battered Husband

Dear Blackheart,

I’m afraid of my wife.

Last week I had to stay a few hours after work to do inventory (I work at a sporting goods store) and when I got home, my wife kicked my in balls so hard I couldn’t get up for half an hour, and while I lay there, she accused me of cheating on her and told me to call when I’m going to be home late. From other attacks I also have a chipped tooth, a nose that’s been broken twice, and not one, but two stab wounds.

I have tried going to the police, and they don’t take me seriously, because I’m a “bear” of a big guy. Guys laugh at me, they say I should be able to defend myself, but I can’t hurt my wife. Maybe there’s a non-violent way I could handle this. I love my wife, and I want her to stop this before she does something really bad.

Scared Husband,

Dear Scared Husband,

I’m shocked that your local police force laughed this off. You are a victim of one of the most dangerous abusers I’ve ever heard of. Just because you’re a man doesn’t mean your situation shouldn’t be treated just as seriously as an abused woman. Everybody has a right to freedom, and nobody should live in fear. Not even a sporty “bear” like yourself. People often think about abuse being about physical power only, and they tend not to account for the “power of love” that prevents you from running away or fighting back. Often for male and female victims of abuse the power is just as emotional, and men can be just as frightened as women. We’re a lot more similar than people give us credit for.

For now, I can offer you a link to an online community that I think might help you: http://www.safe4all.org/ S.A.F.E. for All, (Stop Abuse for Everyone), is an online community devoted to equal care and attention to all abuse victims, be they men, teens, the elderly, or members of the gay community, not merely the overcompensated for “battered women.” (Maybe that isn’t fair. There’s no overcompensation for abused women, but rather undercompensation for the other groups.)

The only other thing I can tell you is that you need to get out of there, now. I mean right now. Crash with a friend or a relative if you have to, somewhere she won’t come looking for you. Then call her or e-mail her and tell her you need space. I know it will be very hard for you, and that you love her and want to make this work, but if this woman stabbed you twice, realistically it’s only going to get worse.

Big Bad Bully

Dear Blackheart,

My son is ten, and he’s having trouble with a bully at school. Sometimes he comes home crying because of this bully, and in one extreme situation, I had to sit in emergency with my son for four hours, because we thought he might have a broken rib from being punched. It turns out it was only badly bruised. This other kid is always being sat down in the office and given detentions, but nothing more. They say he’s too young for anything to be done about this, and I’ve talked to several other parents about this boy, and they say their children are also afraid of him. How are we supposed to protect our children?

Worried Montreal Mother

Dear Worried Mom,

Frankly, I find it appalling that this little turd hasn’t been expelled for this. Have you spoken to the principal about your ordeal at the hospital? If you have, and he didn’t do anything, try going one level higher, to the school board. This isn’t right.

One way you yourself can help protect your son is to help him learn to protect himself. You can’t always be there to step in for him, and neither can you expect any other adult to do it. Try signing him up for some martial arts classes. It’ll give him more confidence, with the added bonus that he’ll shortly be physically able to deal with this bully himself. I know you don’t fancy the thought of your son having to stand up to this monstrous kid, but clearly passive resistance isn’t sparing him any injuries. Bullies may tend to be bigger, but they’re also lazy cowards, and if your son becomes too difficult a target, the bully will move on.

Trust me, this is how I dealt with bullies in my childhood, (though admittedly I was a little older, 13), and I was just dying for a chance to pummel one particular bully. He sensed the change in me immediately and never gave me that chance. And nothing can take away that moment of freedom your son will feel when this bully finally backs down.

Dealing with Eavesdroppers

Dear Blackheart,

How do you prevent eavesdroppers from listening in on your conversations at restaurants? Whenever I go out, people always listen in on what my friends and I are saying, and I think they’re probably laughing at us.

Sheryl,

Dear Sheryl,

First of all, I doubt people are “always” listening to you, because many people are far too self-absorbed to bother listening to strangers. But I do suppose the world has its fair share of voyeurs too, particularly if you and you friends are attractive or well-spoken. Hopefully both.

Anyway, if the concept of other people being able to listen to your conversation bothers you, don’t go out. Order take-out instead.

Anyway, you asked me for ways to stop eavesdroppers, so here are a few. Try talking about something really disgusting, like falling into an outhouse, or an autopsy you saw on TV, or a cyst they removed from inside your you-know-what. Of course, that may interest your listener, and you may wind up with more attention rather than less. The other idea is to be really dull. Talk about something that you like, that any one else would rather tear their own heads off than have to listen to. This might even cost you your friends, at which point, you won’t need to worry about talking at all.

Poor Friend

Dear Gabby,

I’m 16, and my best friend “Trish” and I have been friends since 4^th grade. For the past while, every time I’ve wanted to go out and do something fun with Trish, she’s declined, and I used to say she was a kill-joy, but then I realized it was about the money. I have a fairly rich dad, and I get a generous allowance. Trish doesn’t have a dad, her mom has to work very hard at a not very great job to support everyone. So I offered to pay for Trish so we can go out and do fun stuff, but she still declines because she says she feels guilty. I wanna do fun stuff with my friend, but I can’t. What should I do?

Vicky in B.C.

Dear Vicky,

You know, there’s lots of “fun stuff” you can do without spending any money. You can sit on your front porch and play cards, go to the park and toss a Frisbee around, play volleyball at the beech, and you can even move the coffee table and dance the night away in your living room. The possibilities are endless, and maybe years later when your friend Trish has her own life and her own money, you can look at having fun while spending money too, but for now try to understand that money is a sore spot for her.

Family or Education?

Dear Gabby,

My boyfriend and I finally got engaged. I’m very excited. I’m 18 now, and finished high school, and I’d like to go to university to further my education, but my fiancee wants me to stay at home and raise a family. I want to raise a family too, but not right away, what I really want right now is to go to university. What should I tell him?

Still Young,

Dear Still Young,

Tell him that you love him and have every intention of starting a family with him after you finish your degree. It’s not his call, it’s yours, and he needs to understand that, and if he pressures you into starting it early, there’s a chance you’ll always hold it against him. If you start a family now, you won’t get much chance to get out of the house until your youngest is in high school, so if you’re going to do university, now’s the time. Be firm about this and make sure he understands the sacrifice you’d be making.

Marriage on the Rocks

Dear Gabby,

My marriage is on the rocks. My husband and I have both talked at great length about divorce, but neither of us wants to actually do it. He thinks we should be able to work things out, I’m not sure. Do you think it’s worth it to try to save the marriage, or will we both feel better if we separate and find someone new?

This is all very vague, so I can only give you a vague response. I don’t know whether you should try to save the marriage or not, because I don’t know what’s wrong with it. If the problem stems from a growing amount of arguments about how your money is being spent, mods to the house, week-end activities or the divvying of chores, then these can be remedied easily enough. The keyword is “compromise” and I’m sure a marriage counselor could tell you much more about how to accomplish this, but with good heads on your shoulders, (particularly if you both want to save the marriage), I’m sure you can accomplish this without one. Talk. Find out what’s important to him and why. Conversely, explain your position to him. A good marriage is a terrible thing to waste on trivial disagreements.

As for “feeling better after divorce,” I strongly doubt either of you will feel anything but regret and possibly despair if you separate. Divorce is for people who are poison to one another, not for people who merely aren’t sure. Finding someone new can become increasingly difficult with age, and a good marriage takes years of patience and understanding to break in.

And last but not least, if it’s your sex life that’s on the rocks, well, unless there’s something wrong with him physically, crack out an old book called “Kama Sutra,” or take up pole dancing. And if you decide to try out the latter, tell your hubby “you’re welcome, buddy” for me.

I hope that helps. If it doesn’t, come back and tell me why. I’m full of ideas.

“Single” or Divorced”?

Dear Blackheart,

I’ve been married and divorced all the in course of eight hellish months. As far as I’m concerned, the marriage never even happened. We’ve both gone our separate ways, have no children, have no debts to each other. My question is this. Do you think it’s necessary that I check the “divorced” box rather than the “single” box for every form I fill out?

Single Sue

Dear Single Sue,

Wow, you don’t sound bitter. (Nudge!) I suppose how you check the box depends on the purpose of the form. If it’s a background check, I suppose technically you should check “divorced,” but if it’s a dating service, for all intents and purposes I think “single” would be just as honest.

Now that you mention it, these forms do seem a little outdated and strange. Often you won’t see boxes for “boyfriended” or “common law.” You instead get the usual “single,” “married” and “divorced,” with there occasionally being an option of “single but attached.” Maybe it’s time for an update. We should include things like “single, but haunted by the past,” and “married, but with a mistress, and seeking even more adulterous mischief,” and perhaps even “married to my job.”

If it is labels you’re worried about after being divorced just once, and the marriage really means nothing to you, by all means I think you have a right to keep it to yourself.

Boyfriend blames self for friend’s stupidity

My boyfriend “Greg” has been beating himself up over something that happened three months ago. Greg and his best friend “Daver” were getting drunk together at Daver’s apartment, and Daver was showing off his Glock 22, which has had a history of not ejecting its bullets properly. This particular evening, Daver put the gun to the side of his head and pulled the trigger. I met the two of them the next morning at the hospital, where Daver was “in stable condition.” Since then Daver has gone deaf in one ear, but is alive and seems to be about as intelligent as he was before this mishap. Sometimes Greg cries about it. He thinks it’s his fault, and keeps wishing he’d done something to stop Daver. How can I help him forgive himself?

Debbie in Dallas,

Dear Debbie,

Have you ever heard of the Darwin Awards? These are awards given out to people who perform stupid feats and wind up removing themselves from the gene pool. It sounds like your boyfriend’s buddy Daver was an inch away from making the cut.

Greg can’t possibly think he’s responsible this stupid act. This is perhaps a wake-up call that Greg should find a more intelligent crowd to hang out with, and maybe drink a little bit less.

I do feel for Daver, because hearing loss is a terrible thing, but you have to ask the question – When you hold a gun to your head, that sometimes doesn’t eject the bullet, and you pull the trigger, what is the best thing that could possibly happen? Nothing. That seems like an awful lot of risk for such little gain.

Tell Greg that Daver isn’t five, and that Greg shouldn’t have to watch him like a hawk to make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid. By now, really, that’s Daver’s job.

Lost Cat! Help!

Dear Gabby,

Two nights ago, our six-month-old cat “Mittens” ran out into the night after a squirrel, and we haven’t seen him since. We called the humane society and they suggested we go up and down our street, calling his name. We’ve been trying this, but it isn’t working and we feel a bit silly. Do you have any suggestions?

Seeking Mittens

Dear Seeking Mittens,

I faced a similar problem a year ago, when our youngest cat ran away. Here’s how my family and I dealt with it. We printed out 500 flyers and slipped them under the doors or into the mailboxes of each house in our immediate neighborhood. It helps to divvy up the responsibility, print off maps, and designate areas for one another, (if you have the luxury of a multi-man search party that is), and then mark off the areas of your map at the end of each day. This can be very time consuming, but you should wind up getting a number of phone calls, and I’d say your chances of finding you cat are actually very good. Also, try stapling a flyer to a post on each block.

Make sure you give a very good description, and leave both your address and phone number on the flyer. And a colored photo would be nice, if you have one. We got a few false alarms from people in our neighborhood, and in one case a family actually kidnapped one of our neighbor’s cats, who was also very relieved to see us, and scampered home.

About nine days later, I got a phone call from an elderly couple that noticed a stray cat hunting and eating birds at their feeder. That was our boy.

Many people I’ve spoken to have similar stories. Those who take the time to search often find their lost cat. The ones who don’t, often don’t. Domestic cats tend not to wander too far from home, and it is likely that he is staying within a half kilometer radius of you.

Best of luck, friend!

Boyfriend hates sexist spinster friends

Dear Gabby,

I have been living with my bf for eight years now. He and I get along very well, but there’s one thing we can never agree on, and that’s a pair of old college friends of mine who still room together in another city. He doesn’t want me to go and visit them, because he says “they are sexist man-hating spinsters,” and I tend to be difficult and act a bit like them whenever I come back from visiting them. He’s right. They really are sexist man-haters, but they’re also my old friends, and I don’t have a lot of old friends, and these women share some hobbies and interests with me that my bf doesn’t share. He got so mad about it last time I asked that he shouted at me and told me I couldn’t go and see them. He doesn’t normally behave this way, and I’m not quite sure how to handle this problem.

It sounds like your boyfriend is the one who needs advice, not you. Just as you said, these women are your friends, no matter how unsavory and unmarriageable they may be.

It is possible that your boyfriend finds the personality traits of these women so repulsive that what little residue they leave on you upon your return is enough to put him off. And if he’s anything like any regular loving boyfriend, he doesn’t want to be put off you. There are, no doubt, aspects of their behavior that are keeping these women “spinsters.” Your friends may be attributing this problem to men being scum, rather you’re your friends recognizing, or admitting to their own faults. Both women and men can be guilty of this – it seems to be easier to blame others than admit one’s own shortcomings.

Anyway, the key to any good relationship is compromise. I find him forbidding you to visit them at all to be a little frightening, (he’s your boyfriend, nor your parole officer), but perhaps he trying to be tough about it because he believes it’s best for both of you. But at the end of the day, they are your dear old friends; you need to stay connected with them, no matter how sexist, irritating or unattractive they are. Your boyfriend needs to understand that, and let you go do your thing. It’s not like he has to see them too. He can use the time that you’re away to see his own buddies. Just remember, in the tradition of compromise, when you do come home from your visit, try not to bring their eccentricities back to your boyfriend.

Are all men like that?

Dear Blackheart,

I’ve had a string of really bad relationships since high school, and I don’t know what to do about it. I got stood up at prom. One guy almost sexually assaulted me in his car after our first and only date. A number of them cheated on me – not one, but two of them with my best friend.

I’m a little shy when it comes to these things, so I tend only to meet guys through other friends of mine. I’m wondering if I’m missing something. These guys just seems to use me, and cheat on me when they get bored of me.

Are all men like that?

You sound like the female version of me, minus the sexual assault part.

All men are not like anything, unless you count required mammalian traits like eating and breathing.

The one thing that all of the men you’ve dated have in common is you. That said, I’m not going to insult you by suggesting that you’re the problem, but you need to realize that you tend to select men who A) have already dated your friends, B) are the guys your friends don’t want, and C) are probably full of themselves, and rather shallow.

Many of my circle of friends would never cheat on a woman, (or a man), so if your primary source are guys you meet through your circle of friends who seem to pass from girl to girl, maybe you need to start dating outside the circle. Try picking up a hobby like yoga or kung-fu. There are lots of people from all walks of life there.

And also, cheating takes two. Give your “best friend” a little credit there, and dump her sorry ass too. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

Custom Home

Dear Gabby,

I come from a short family, but I seem to be almost a full foot shorter than my other siblings. I’m 4’4” and though I don’t personally have any problem with my height. My brother sometimes makes fun, pretending I am an arm rest, but we all have a good laugh about it.

I’m now 44, and I’ve decided to pour a large chunk of my (generous) earnings from my government job to buy a large plot of land and build myself the home I’ve always wanted. I’m tailor-making it for my own height, because I’m sick of having to stand on my tippie-toes and stretch my arms just to reach things.

Suddenly, my mother is ridiculing me for this, in a way that I think is both spiteful and mean. She seems to think my home will look like a hobbit hole, and that somehow being short is my fault, like I can do something about it. It would be nice to have her approval. How can I sway her attitude?

Little Miss Armrest

Dear Armrest,

What your mother thinks is totally irrelevant. We often feel pressured to please our parents well into our mid-life, and parents in turn often find it hard to move beyond the role of “teacher” or “critic.” Tell her you respect her opinion, but that you are an adult too, and she in turn should respect yours.

One issue your mother may have with your place could be the resale value of your dream home, but if you have no plans to sell it, that shouldn’t matter.

Cheating Heart

Dear Blackheart,

I have been dating a very sweet man for four years now. A month ago, I cheated on him at cocktail party. I was drunk, and I know that isn’t an excuse, but I feel so guilty, and ashamed, and I can’t put it out of my mind. I think he might die if I tell him, but I might die if I don’t. Should I tell him?

Cheating Heart

Dear Cheating Heart,

While I’m generally in agreement with the “honesty is the best policy” method, I believe this situation is one of the exceptions.

I myself have been cheated on by two separate girlfriends, (that I know of), and in both cases, I did not, in fact, break up with them; I forgave them, because I loved them. I couldn’t accept that this was the end. But I cannot even begin to describe the crushing feeling of finding out that the woman that you loved and trusted, the one that you thought was different, would cheat, and for what? For nothing. For a semen stain on your cocktail dress.

When you tell him you cheated on him, you make your guilt his guilt. You feel better; he feels worse. That doesn’t exactly seem fair, does it? What right do you have to crush his spirits to alleviate your own guilt?

Unless you’ve contracted some sort of STD or STI, there’s no need to burst his little bubble.

Here’s the one way I think you can redeem yourself. Stop cheating, never cheat again, and never speak to him of this. If you really love him as much as you say, keep your mouth and your legs shut from now on, and bear your guilt in silence. I know it’s going to be hard, but it’s the only way to honor him with any dignity.

The Plot Sickens

Dear Gabby,

My mother and her fourth husband “Henry” are arguing over their burial plans. Mom wants a shared plot with Henry, but he wants to be buried next to his ex-wife. He always speaks fondly of his previous wife of 35 years, whom he nursed until her dying day.

Mom is certain that because of statistics, he’s going to die first, and then she will have to visit both him and his ex-wife. She wants him all to herself.

This is typical of my mom, making a mountain out of a mole hill, and I think she’s going to wreck another perfectly good relationship with a man who treats her well, because of something he wants to do after he’s dead.

Michelle from Idaho

Dear Michelle,

There is a tension here between what is important right now, and what is important for when they die. Right now, it is important that your mother and Henry treat each other as #1, as they are currently both alive, and married to each other. However, once Henry or your mother has died, her marriage to him may simply drop to #2 because of the overall significance at the end of his life. He has the right to be buried with whomever he pleases, and that does not necessarily mean he does not love your mother right now. I suspect your mother merely feels left out because her marriages have not been as successful as Henry’s, and she feels like she’s always going to be #2. Suggest that they keep their plans as they are for now, and that perhaps later they may change. If they live together for another 35 years, Henry may very well decide that your mother is the love of his life, and that they should be buried together after all.

Alcohol Abuse

Dear Patty,

Though the heartbreak your mother caused your father may very well have driven him to the bottle, you should not hold her accountable for his actions. Many people experience heartbreak and do not drink themselves to oblivion. I am truly sorry that your father has drunk to the point of alcoholic dementia, and that his liver is now probably on it’s way to shutting down.

Don’t hate your mother, it’s like you’re losing both parents. Your mother may still be mean to him because she feels he’s a bad example for you and your younger brother, and it sounds like she works hard, and may take it personally that your father seems to be doing everything in his power to ruin himself. However, you should ask her to show your father a little more mercy, if nor for his sake, for you and your brother, her own children.

Here’s what you need to do right away. Make an emergency appointment with the doctor, and take your father there yourself. Or take him to an after hours clinic if you can. Be prepared for the worst news, because often when things have been this bad for this long, there’s not a lot the doctors can do.

Stanley from the Office

Dear Gabby,

I think I’m Stanley from NBC’s the Office. Every day I come into work, and my boss “Michael” tries to make me laugh, but he just makes me mad. He’s actually a very nice boss, but I can’t stand him. The other day he made like he was trying to shine my head, (I’m bald), and I was just about ready to deck him. Do I need an attitude adjustment, or does he?

Stanley

Dear Stanley,

There’s nothing wrong with Stanley, he’s actually one of my favorite characters, because of his snarky, witty comebacks, and I feel for him because he stoically rolls with the punches. So if you’re like him, be proud of that.

As for your boss, there is a difference between having fun with someone, and having fun at their expense. If you have an HR rep at your office, perhaps you can speak with him about possibly getting “Michael” some sensitivity training. If he’s really as nice as you say, then he’ll probably see the error of his ways and will likely want to make it up to you, which, unfortunately, might be even more annoying.

Harmless Friend or Sexual Predator?

Dear Gabby,

I have a daughter who’s fourteen. Lately, she’s been getting a lot of attention from one of my male friends, “Mel.” A short while ago he met her randomly at the mall, and offered to buy her a few dresses. He bought her the dresses and told her to keep it a secret from us, but of course, she told us. My wife freaked and told me to confront Mel about it, so I did, and he said he felt sorry for her, that she could use a few nice things to wear at her age. We’re not poor. We can afford nice clothes for our daughter, but then last week-end, I caught him trying to sneak into my house, claiming he had a gift for my daughter. He didn’t want to tell me what it was, so I grabbed it and looked in the bag, and it was porn! I didn’t tell my wife about this because I think she’d lose her mind. I just sent him home.

I’m at a bit of a loss here, because though I’ve always liked Mel, this is my daughter. Mel’s always been a little strange, but he’s never acted like this before, not to my knowledge, anyway. I’m wondering if I should have a long talk with him or just call the police.

Fearful Father

Dear Fearful,

Your “friend” is a sexual predator. I implore you to call the police and tell them what you just told me. This is classic textbook behavior that leads to sexual assault. He is tying to “test” or “groom” your daughter, by seeing if she will lie to you about their encounters. His hope is that she will feel obligated to him, indebted to him. Before long, his next step will probably be to “harmlessly” invite her out for lunch, or to a movie, and then slip a roofie into her drink, and take her somewhere private for a few hours. This has happened to several female friends of mine, and they usually wind up blaming themselves, feeling stupid and naïve that they didn’t expect this. Tell your daughter what to expect before it’s too late, and tell her to stay far away from Mel. This man is not your friend. You need to tell Mel to go to hell. Alert the authorities; they need to know about him.

AngryGirl13

Dear Gabby,

I’m 13, and I live alone with my mama. Daddy left two years ago, and she got full custody. Now I find more and more that I’m getting really irritable, and sometimes I yell at mama. It is usually just little things that make me mad, but I’ve been getting so angry at her lately that sometimes I think I’m going to throw something or hit her. I love my mama and I don’t want to hurt her, but she just gets me so mad sometimes. I am turning into an abuser and I don’t know what to do about it.

AngryGirl13

Dear AngryGirl13,

Your hormone levels could be changing, which would account for your increased irritability and impaired judgment. This happens to all boys and girls around your age, and it is different from person to person. With time, your body will adjust, and you will “mellow with age,” as they say.

In the meantime, I am glad to see you have the maturity to admit you have a problem. This is half the battle. The other half is to find the source of your anger. Otherwise you will continue to scapegoat your mother, and you will hate yourself for it. Try to think about the source of your anger, and either eradicate that, or if the anger is coming from your mother, you should find some more productive and less explosive ways of expressing your anger. You may want to see a therapist for a session or two, so he/she can get into the specifics of what’s bothering you, and help you sort through it.

Preggers

Dear Gabby,

I just found out that I’m pregnant, and I’m very excited. I’m getting married to my fiancée in the fall, but that means that I’m going to be nine months pregnant. I’d like to change the wedding date, but it has a special significance to us, so for now I’m not saying anything. Do you think this is unwise? Should we change it?

Peggie Preggers

Dear Preggers,

For the love of everything that’s holy, change your wedding date. Do you really want to waddle down the aisle like that? Everybody’s going to think it’s a shotgun wedding. And what if your water breaks? Can you imagine what that will do to your precious wedding dress? I understand this date is important to you, but be reasonable; so is your wedding. If it really has to be on that day, you might try postponing it for a year, but do you really want to wait that long, and then have a 12-month-old infant crying in the background? Your 12-month-old infant? Have it in the summer. People love summer weddings.

Loveless Marriage

Dear Gabby,

I’ve been married to “Jane” for ten years now. We have a daughter and a son, and our relationship itself is very healthy, except for the sex. So we saw a marriage counselor about it, and it came out that she was never attracted to me in the first place! That I wasn’t even her type. I asked her why she married me then, and she said she liked that I was responsible and that I’d make a good father. I’m so depressed and sick about the whole thing, and I’ve never felt so unattractive and humiliated in my whole life.

The marriage counselor says that women and men look for different things in a mate, and that what she did was normal. Are they both completely crazy? What do you think? And what should I do?

Ugly and Unloved.

Dear Handsome Stud, (I’m not calling ugly, because you probably aren’t. It’s all in the eye of the beholder, you know. It really is. Tom Cruise is ass-ugly, and seemingly crazy, yet women love him.)

Your marriage counselor has a professional mandate not to take sides, but I don’t. What your wife did to you, and now that I think of it, herself, is completely unforgivable. She married you knowing she wasn’t attracted to you, though with a justification, one you might even accept, but certainly not with your knowledge or consent. Had she asked you if you wanted a sexually void marriage ten years ago, would you really have agreed to it? It’s great that you get along and all, but I’m sure you could get along with lots of people.

She knowingly doomed you both to a loveless wasteland. This is far worse than cheating, because she’s created an environment where cheating would be the only option for intimacy.

As for what you should do, you’ve got two options. You either stay married and martyr your sex life for the sake of your children, or you and your wife sit down with them and explain that mommy and daddy still love them both very much, but you’re getting an amicable divorce. I would favor the latter. In the long run, I think you’ll be happier. I can’t speak for your children, but, they’ll have their own relationships someday, and then they’ll understand.

Peter Pauper’s Predicament

Dear Gabby,

“Glenn” has been my best friend since grade school, (over 30 years now), but everything changed when he married into a wealthy family. Now he and I can hardly relate to each other at all. I still have a lot of financial problems, but when I see him, all he talks about is how his stocks are doing. He says he’s grown as a person, but frankly I find him boring now, and I actually think his brain has shriveled from disuse now that he just trades stock and plays golf all day. I the things he says are arrogant and insensitive, particularly to people like me who don’t even know how they’ll afford to retire. I’m not the only one among our group of friends that feels this way either. We all feel like paupers in the presence of an insensitive prince. I keep trying to explain this to him and get him to be more sensitive, and maybe do some activities with me that aren’t golf. (I tried to like the game for five years. I just don’t.) What do you think I should do?

Peter Pauper

Dear Peter Pauper,

It sounds like you’ve grown apart. Unfortunate as it is, this is why rich folk tend to befriend other rich, and the working class with other working class folk. Let it go. Let him cavort with his other shallow wealthy friends at the golf club, while you take your buddies from the warehouse out for a beer. Even if you still wind up brooding about it with your other friends, at least they’ll understand, and you’ll find that you’re happier.

Confused and Abused

Dear Gabby,

Back in grade 3, I had to move in with my dad because my mom threatened to put me into a foster home. So he had to drive across two state lines to pick me up at about four in the morning. Frankly, I was glad to be out of there, because she and my step-dad were both pretty harsh and abusive with me. I got the distinct feeling my step-dad wanted me out of the way.

This was all eleven years ago, and now my mom wants me to come back and live with her. She had kids with my step-dad, one is ten, the other is eight. She says she would need me to move back before the summer because she’s planning a trip with my step-dad.

I don’t even want to mention this to my dad, because it might hurt his feelings, and he’ll probably tell me not to, and he’s probably right. But she’s my mom, and I think this may be my chance to set things right. So what do you think? Should I do it?

Confused and Abused

Dear Confused,

Politely decline. You sound like a sweet person, and you’re no doubt seeking acceptance from her, hoping she will finally take you in and love you back. And she may very well love you, but she has a terrible track record, and most adults don’t really change. I get the strong sense that she’s got ulterior motives calling you out of the blue like this, like finding a babysitter she doesn’t have to pay, particularly now that she has more kids that are at that difficult age. Does that sound more like her?

Your father clearly loves you, and you should absolutely stay near him until you’re ready to live on your own. Also, you have your own life to live, and you’ll have a lot more time for your own personal development if you steer clear of such a huge responsibility, that is clearly not your own.

Penny Candy

Dear Gabby,

There’s this cute guy in my high school English class, “Johnny,” who I wanted to get with for a long time. Finally he invited me over to his house, and he told me he wanted me to give him head. So I did. We did this for a few weeks and then he got his trophy girlfriend “Stephanie” and didn’t want to see me anymore.

I asked him why. I thought we had something. He said “You’re like penny candy. You’re cheap, and easy to reach, but when I get the more expensive stuff from the top shelf, why would I settle for you?”

Now I think he was just using me for blow jobs, and I’m angry because I gave him so much and he gave me nothing in return. Now I hate him and myself.

Penny Candy

Dear Penny,

Johnny is a psychopath, and had no right to treat you that way. The way one treats others is a reflection of oneself. I believe that when someone is attracted to you, you should be respectful of their feelings, because when someone is willing to do almost anything for you, it’s a gift. He chose to treat this gift like a piece of trash, because that’s a reflection of what he is.

My advice: Don’t waste your time hating him or yourself. Forget about him. I bet there are lots of charming cute boys would jump through hoops of fire for you, though right now it may not feel that way.

Angst About Agatha

Dear Doctor Gabby,

Three years ago, my father died of cancer, and on his deathbed, he made my husband and I promise to let “Agatha,” his second wife live with us, as she was terrified to live alone. Ever since, Agatha has been living with us, contributing nothing to the household, doing nothing other than eating and sleeping, making demands as to what sorts of groceries we get, and hogging the TV. We can’t even go anywhere, because every time one of us starts the car, she’s in the front passenger seat. She’s certainly physically well enough to contribute, but she doesn’t. She also has a car and a house of her own that we’re expected to maintain, even though she doesn’t use them, so my husband is over there half a day every week-end, and it doesn’t leave us with very much time for ourselves. I hate it, and I’ve told my husband so, but he feels guilty about even bringing the subject up with her. He says “I promised your father, just like I promised him I’d look after you.” I haven’t told him this, but it’s getting me so upset I’m thinking of leaving him. I love him, but this is ruining both our lives. What do you think I should do?

Angst About Agatha

Dear Angst,

Don’t leave. Think about how depressing his life will become when the only woman in it is Agatha. Similarly, you’ll miss him too, and it doesn’t seem right that the two of you should suffer for her benefit.

She has a house and a car of her own, you say? How convenient. Move her back there. If she starts moaning about her fears, or crying, or trying to guilt you in any other way, as I’m sure she will, (I know the manipulative type. My grandmother is like this, so I’m used to it), tell her it’s not a democracy, and that she’s moving, because you need quality time with your husband. She’ll no doubt insist she can be very quiet in her own room, but again, tell her she’s moving back. Remember, this isn’t a debate. Oh, and this is very, very important – don’t let her turn your husband against you. She will smell his guilty conscience like a fart in a car, and she will latch onto it like a leech to – well, anything with a pulse. This is not going to be pleasant, and she’s going to fight you every step of the way, and you yourself will no doubt feel guilty about it, but don’t. Remember: Believe in yourself, and the life you and your husband want and deserve.

As for your promise, I think it’s been fulfilled. You’ve indulged her fears of living alone for three years. Now it’s time for her to grow up.

Seat Up or Down?

Hey Doc,

My girlfriend sometimes gets annoyed at me for leaving the seat up. She’s like “is it so hard to put it down when you’re finished?” And I’m like “Is it so hard to put it down yourself?” I mean, what if I’m the one using next after myself, then I’ve put it down and back up again for nothing. I know it’s not really a big deal for us, more like one of those small annoyances, but I wanted your take on the whole thing.

Let me overgeneralize for a second. Women tend to see symbolism in things that men tend to find trivial or mundane. If it helps, try to think of putting the seat down as a small “I love you” when you pass her in the hallway. She’ll notice that you put the seat down just as sure as you grabbed her and kissed her. And also, if you find it so much of a pain, why don’t you just sit on the toilet yourself. That’s why there’s a seat. You’re at home. Sit down. Relax. It feels nice. In many households, the seat is never up for that reason.

Panic Attacks

Hi Gabby,

I’ve been dating “Jane” for about three years now, and our relationship is pretty healthy, but she gets these panic attacks where she can’t think straight, and in stead of calling me, she calls her ex-boyfriend that she dated for about ten years, “Johnny,” and he calms her down. When I ask her about it, she says that it’s okay, that Johnny calmed her down. I’m pretty confident that she’s faithful and all, but I’m not comfortable with the fact that she chooses to see him over me. I find it hurtful and insulting, but she doesn’t seem to understand why. There’s no reason I can’t do what he does. How can I explain this to her?

Frustrated Frank

Dear Frank,

Many people grow back-hair when they find out their lover has gone to see an ex-lover over them. They might say she shouldn’t even have his number. But to her, this seems perfectly normal, and it doesn’t sound like she intends any malice. Try explaining to her that you feel jealous, that you want to be the one that lifts her up in her darkest moments. Many lovers don’t just want to be with their beau for the fun parts; they also want to support them when they’re needed most.

My advice though, if she doesn’t see things your way, is not to take it personally. What you need to understand about panic attacks is that to the sufferer, they are pretty much the most terrifying experiences of their lives. Many of them think they are either dying or losing their minds. If you put yourself in that situation, and you know of a person who can calm you down, you would seek that person. If I have a really bad toothache, I’m going to call my dentist, even if she’s my ex, no matter how much I may love and trust my girlfriend the masseuse. You get my drift? Take consolation in the fact that her pain is being alleviated. At the end of the day, you’re still the one who gets to hold her when she’s glad it’s over.

Would-Be Dad

Hey Doc,

Generally I have a good relationship with my long-time girlfriend, but the other day she and I got into an argument about children, and I’m worried it will ultimately tear us apart. Basically, I want kids, and she doesn’t. My older sister says she felt the same way my girlfriend did, but now she has two small kids and says she couldn’t be happier. But when I tell my girlfriend this, it just makes her mad. She says she’ll never want kids because the world is too overpopulated anyway, and so many things can go wrong. What if it’s retarded or a quadriplegic, etc.? She’s always like this, completely filled with anxiety over everything. Sometimes I think she’s going to have a panic attack. How do I get my girlfriend to see that these are rare things, and that she should have kids anyway? Or should I break up with her and find someone new?

Would-Be Dad

Dear Would-Be,

You cannot make someone want to have children. They either do, or they don’t, and while it’s true that many people, like your sister change their minds, it’s because they freely chose to do so, and not because of someone else’s will.

Whether or not you break up with her over this is entirely up to you. I can’t answer this for you. It’s more a question of whether you love her more or less than the idea of having children. Bear in mind that there are many people out there who break up with their long time lovers, out of desire to produce children, but wind up having none, and being alone.

Cats and Dogs

Dear Gabby,

Should I get a dog or a cat?

Who’s to say you can’t get both?

The contest between cats and dogs is one of the most ancient. There is no single right answer to this, and it is largely subject to personal opinion. But since you asked me, here’s mine. Get a cat.

While dogs are more trainable, and thus arguably more intelligent, they need to be walked daily, which is fine if you like dog parks and dog people. I don’t, personally – I find the conversations with dog people to be a little mindless and vapid. I greatly prefer the alone time a cat has to offer.

Cats are virtually totally independent. If you show your kitty a box filled with litter just once, it will instinctively know where to go from then on, so you don’t need to remember to let it out once, twice or even three times daily, or however often a dog might make whining noises at you. Just don’t forget to feed it. Hugs and kisses go a long way too. Cats are quick, fun to play with, and will also help with your vermin infestation, should you ever have one.

Monkey Trouble

Dear Doctor Gabby,

My boyfriend and I have been living together for ten years. We have five years left to pay off on our mortgage. Recently, on a whim, we bought a monkey. I wasn’t really sure about it, but my bf said he’d done all the research and that he knew how to feed it, and teach it tricks and such, so I was willing to go along with it. We had a dog that died recently, and guess I was thinking it would be more like that.

Now, instead of sleeping with me, he sleeps with the monkey. He claims the monkey needs him for his development. Instead of having sex, he’d rather spend time with the monkey.

We are getting on in years, and I’d like for us to have children while I still can. What should I do?

Monkey Trouble

Dear Monkey Trouble,

Normally, I’d try to be a little more diplomatic about this, but I get the distinct impression that your boyfriend might simply have lost his marbles. If he had seriously taken the time to read up on what it takes to keep a monkey as a pet, he would know what you are getting into, and if he really loved you, he wouldn’t put you through that.

Monkeys are a lot like children, in that they need to engage in a number of social interactions. Otherwise, they can develop personality disorders, which can include, among other nasty things, chronic masturbation and the throwing of their fecal matter. They can live for somewhere between 20 and 40 years, thus arguably, a monkey is going to be keeping your boyfriend a parent longer than a real child would.

Love him as you might, if he’d rather spend more time alone with his monkey than alone with you, then he’s going to have to get used to spanking his own monkey, if you get my drift.

Have a serious talk with him, and be prepared for a separation. If you want children and he won’t take two minutes to put in what I frankly think is the most fun part about creating a child, he certainly won’t be helping raise any children. Be prepared to find yourself another man who’s interested in raising a homo sapien.

Circumventing Circumcision

Dear Gabby,

I have been dating the love of my life for three years, and now we want to get married, but her parents refuse to let her marry me unless I convert to Judaism. Religion is not terribly important to either of us – we don’t even care enough to be against it. She doesn’t mind that I’m a “goy,” and I’d convert if it weren’t for that whole circumcision thing. What if they do it wrong and cut the head off it or something? We want children, too, and this just sounds dangerous and crazy. And painful. This also probably means our kids would have to do it too. Her father argues that it’s not just an aesthetic thing, but that safer in the long run too, medically. What should we do?

Thanks Gabby,

Circumventing Circumcision

Dear Circumventing Circumcision

Your penis is your own, and her parents have no right to make you lose a piece of it. As for botched circumcisions, they are rare, but it is an entirely elective and unnecessary surgery, and why any adult would choose to put himself through this arcane and frankly cruel religious practice is a little beyond me.

Medically, there is no advantage to removing your foreskin. It is a myth, and any doctor will tell you that. This is because in the 21^st century we have things called showers, and soap. Infections come from a bacterial buildup in the folds of your skin which you almost certainly can’t get if you’re washing every day.

You could even lie and say you got a circumcision – as long as her parents never see your private area, you should be fine. And why would they ever see it, right? Still, you’d probably prefer to just be honest with them. I’m sure your fiancée would rather remain on honest terms with her own parents.

Here’s another angle – try to get your parents to back you on this. I certainly wouldn’t let a mohel take a knife to my son’s penis. And ditto for your children, when you have children. They’re yours to protect, not your wife’s parents. They have no business making big decisions about your children’s lives, even if they thing they’re more seasoned parents than you. They’re also more out-of-date.

If all else fails, and I mean this as a last resort: You are Americans, and you don’t need their approval to get married in this country. If they really want to shut their own daughter out of their lives because of this, they’ll never see her, or their grandchildren, and they’ll be a very bitter, very lonely old couple.

Calling Her Bluff

Dear Gabby,

I’m 24, and live by myself in a bachelor pad. My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year now, and everything’s great, we almost never fight – except about my work situation, and, of all things, my bathroom. She’s threatened to leave me before if I didn’t get a job, but I knew she was bluffing, and she’s not going anywhere. I assure her I have enough money to last until my career takes off, and that getting a regular job would just get in the way – and we’d see each other less. And she actually cried about the state of my bathroom. Personally, I don’t think it’s that dirty. I mean, I know it’s not spotless, but it doesn’t smell, and it’s actually way cleaner that my other guy friends’. So, am I crazy, or is she crazy? Or is it a bit of both?

Sincerely,

Calling Her Bluff

Dear Calling Her Bluff,

Do you even hear yourself? You’re making excuses instead of getting things done, and frankly, it sounds like you would choose your own laziness over your girlfriend. Try to put yourself in her shoes, and imagine how she must feel.

Your bathroom is probably symbolic to your girlfriend of your relationship. If you can’t be bothered to clear your own bathroom, she might conclude any number of things about you, including that you’ll never change, succeed in life, and she may even possibly conclude that you do not love her anymore. And I wouldn’t be using your friends’ bathrooms as a defense, because I’m guessing she doesn’t think very much of them either. Am I right?

I don’t know how big your savings are, but your own bachelor pad in a big city can’t be all that cheap, and if you don’t do something about your work situation soon, you’ll wind up losing your girlfriend, and your apartment, and you’ll be unemployed, single, and living with your parents. See how easy it is to get a date then.

I wouldn’t say either of you are crazy, but it sounds like she’s crazy about you, so if love her, consider these things she asks of you to be symbolic of your love.