Dear Gabby,
I have been living with my bf for eight years now. He and I get along very well, but there’s one thing we can never agree on, and that’s a pair of old college friends of mine who still room together in another city. He doesn’t want me to go and visit them, because he says “they are sexist man-hating spinsters,” and I tend to be difficult and act a bit like them whenever I come back from visiting them. He’s right. They really are sexist man-haters, but they’re also my old friends, and I don’t have a lot of old friends, and these women share some hobbies and interests with me that my bf doesn’t share. He got so mad about it last time I asked that he shouted at me and told me I couldn’t go and see them. He doesn’t normally behave this way, and I’m not quite sure how to handle this problem.
It sounds like your boyfriend is the one who needs advice, not you. Just as you said, these women are your friends, no matter how unsavory and unmarriageable they may be.
It is possible that your boyfriend finds the personality traits of these women so repulsive that what little residue they leave on you upon your return is enough to put him off. And if he’s anything like any regular loving boyfriend, he doesn’t want to be put off you. There are, no doubt, aspects of their behavior that are keeping these women “spinsters.” Your friends may be attributing this problem to men being scum, rather you’re your friends recognizing, or admitting to their own faults. Both women and men can be guilty of this – it seems to be easier to blame others than admit one’s own shortcomings.
Anyway, the key to any good relationship is compromise. I find him forbidding you to visit them at all to be a little frightening, (he’s your boyfriend, nor your parole officer), but perhaps he trying to be tough about it because he believes it’s best for both of you. But at the end of the day, they are your dear old friends; you need to stay connected with them, no matter how sexist, irritating or unattractive they are. Your boyfriend needs to understand that, and let you go do your thing. It’s not like he has to see them too. He can use the time that you’re away to see his own buddies. Just remember, in the tradition of compromise, when you do come home from your visit, try not to bring their eccentricities back to your boyfriend.
