Saturday, March 29, 2008

Dealing with Eavesdroppers

Dear Blackheart,

How do you prevent eavesdroppers from listening in on your conversations at restaurants? Whenever I go out, people always listen in on what my friends and I are saying, and I think they’re probably laughing at us.

Sheryl,

Dear Sheryl,

First of all, I doubt people are “always” listening to you, because many people are far too self-absorbed to bother listening to strangers. But I do suppose the world has its fair share of voyeurs too, particularly if you and you friends are attractive or well-spoken. Hopefully both.

Anyway, if the concept of other people being able to listen to your conversation bothers you, don’t go out. Order take-out instead.

Anyway, you asked me for ways to stop eavesdroppers, so here are a few. Try talking about something really disgusting, like falling into an outhouse, or an autopsy you saw on TV, or a cyst they removed from inside your you-know-what. Of course, that may interest your listener, and you may wind up with more attention rather than less. The other idea is to be really dull. Talk about something that you like, that any one else would rather tear their own heads off than have to listen to. This might even cost you your friends, at which point, you won’t need to worry about talking at all.