Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Loveless Marriage

Dear Gabby,

I’ve been married to “Jane” for ten years now. We have a daughter and a son, and our relationship itself is very healthy, except for the sex. So we saw a marriage counselor about it, and it came out that she was never attracted to me in the first place! That I wasn’t even her type. I asked her why she married me then, and she said she liked that I was responsible and that I’d make a good father. I’m so depressed and sick about the whole thing, and I’ve never felt so unattractive and humiliated in my whole life.

The marriage counselor says that women and men look for different things in a mate, and that what she did was normal. Are they both completely crazy? What do you think? And what should I do?

Ugly and Unloved.

Dear Handsome Stud, (I’m not calling ugly, because you probably aren’t. It’s all in the eye of the beholder, you know. It really is. Tom Cruise is ass-ugly, and seemingly crazy, yet women love him.)

Your marriage counselor has a professional mandate not to take sides, but I don’t. What your wife did to you, and now that I think of it, herself, is completely unforgivable. She married you knowing she wasn’t attracted to you, though with a justification, one you might even accept, but certainly not with your knowledge or consent. Had she asked you if you wanted a sexually void marriage ten years ago, would you really have agreed to it? It’s great that you get along and all, but I’m sure you could get along with lots of people.

She knowingly doomed you both to a loveless wasteland. This is far worse than cheating, because she’s created an environment where cheating would be the only option for intimacy.

As for what you should do, you’ve got two options. You either stay married and martyr your sex life for the sake of your children, or you and your wife sit down with them and explain that mommy and daddy still love them both very much, but you’re getting an amicable divorce. I would favor the latter. In the long run, I think you’ll be happier. I can’t speak for your children, but, they’ll have their own relationships someday, and then they’ll understand.