Dear Gabby,
My marriage is on the rocks. My husband and I have both talked at great length about divorce, but neither of us wants to actually do it. He thinks we should be able to work things out, I’m not sure. Do you think it’s worth it to try to save the marriage, or will we both feel better if we separate and find someone new?
This is all very vague, so I can only give you a vague response. I don’t know whether you should try to save the marriage or not, because I don’t know what’s wrong with it. If the problem stems from a growing amount of arguments about how your money is being spent, mods to the house, week-end activities or the divvying of chores, then these can be remedied easily enough. The keyword is “compromise” and I’m sure a marriage counselor could tell you much more about how to accomplish this, but with good heads on your shoulders, (particularly if you both want to save the marriage), I’m sure you can accomplish this without one. Talk. Find out what’s important to him and why. Conversely, explain your position to him. A good marriage is a terrible thing to waste on trivial disagreements.
As for “feeling better after divorce,” I strongly doubt either of you will feel anything but regret and possibly despair if you separate. Divorce is for people who are poison to one another, not for people who merely aren’t sure. Finding someone new can become increasingly difficult with age, and a good marriage takes years of patience and understanding to break in.
And last but not least, if it’s your sex life that’s on the rocks, well, unless there’s something wrong with him physically, crack out an old book called “Kama Sutra,” or take up pole dancing. And if you decide to try out the latter, tell your hubby “you’re welcome, buddy” for me.
I hope that helps. If it doesn’t, come back and tell me why. I’m full of ideas.
