Dear Gabby,
My mother and her fourth husband “Henry” are arguing over their burial plans. Mom wants a shared plot with Henry, but he wants to be buried next to his ex-wife. He always speaks fondly of his previous wife of 35 years, whom he nursed until her dying day.
Mom is certain that because of statistics, he’s going to die first, and then she will have to visit both him and his ex-wife. She wants him all to herself.
This is typical of my mom, making a mountain out of a mole hill, and I think she’s going to wreck another perfectly good relationship with a man who treats her well, because of something he wants to do after he’s dead.
Michelle from
Dear Michelle,
There is a tension here between what is important right now, and what is important for when they die. Right now, it is important that your mother and Henry treat each other as #1, as they are currently both alive, and married to each other. However, once Henry or your mother has died, her marriage to him may simply drop to #2 because of the overall significance at the end of his life. He has the right to be buried with whomever he pleases, and that does not necessarily mean he does not love your mother right now. I suspect your mother merely feels left out because her marriages have not been as successful as Henry’s, and she feels like she’s always going to be #2. Suggest that they keep their plans as they are for now, and that perhaps later they may change. If they live together for another 35 years, Henry may very well decide that your mother is the love of his life, and that they should be buried together after all.
