Dear Doctor Gabby,
Three years ago, my father died of cancer, and on his deathbed, he made my husband and I promise to let “Agatha,” his second wife live with us, as she was terrified to live alone. Ever since, Agatha has been living with us, contributing nothing to the household, doing nothing other than eating and sleeping, making demands as to what sorts of groceries we get, and hogging the TV. We can’t even go anywhere, because every time one of us starts the car, she’s in the front passenger seat. She’s certainly physically well enough to contribute, but she doesn’t. She also has a car and a house of her own that we’re expected to maintain, even though she doesn’t use them, so my husband is over there half a day every week-end, and it doesn’t leave us with very much time for ourselves. I hate it, and I’ve told my husband so, but he feels guilty about even bringing the subject up with her. He says “I promised your father, just like I promised him I’d look after you.” I haven’t told him this, but it’s getting me so upset I’m thinking of leaving him. I love him, but this is ruining both our lives. What do you think I should do?
Angst About Agatha
Dear Angst,
Don’t leave. Think about how depressing his life will become when the only woman in it is Agatha. Similarly, you’ll miss him too, and it doesn’t seem right that the two of you should suffer for her benefit.
She has a house and a car of her own, you say? How convenient. Move her back there. If she starts moaning about her fears, or crying, or trying to guilt you in any other way, as I’m sure she will, (I know the manipulative type. My grandmother is like this, so I’m used to it), tell her it’s not a democracy, and that she’s moving, because you need quality time with your husband. She’ll no doubt insist she can be very quiet in her own room, but again, tell her she’s moving back. Remember, this isn’t a debate. Oh, and this is very, very important – don’t let her turn your husband against you. She will smell his guilty conscience like a fart in a car, and she will latch onto it like a leech to – well, anything with a pulse. This is not going to be pleasant, and she’s going to fight you every step of the way, and you yourself will no doubt feel guilty about it, but don’t. Remember: Believe in yourself, and the life you and your husband want and deserve.
As for your promise, I think it’s been fulfilled. You’ve indulged her fears of living alone for three years. Now it’s time for her to grow up.
