My boyfriend and I have been living together for ten years. We have five years left to pay off on our mortgage. Recently, on a whim, we bought a monkey. I wasn’t really sure about it, but my bf said he’d done all the research and that he knew how to feed it, and teach it tricks and such, so I was willing to go along with it. We had a dog that died recently, and guess I was thinking it would be more like that.
Now, instead of sleeping with me, he sleeps with the monkey. He claims the monkey needs him for his development. Instead of having sex, he’d rather spend time with the monkey.
We are getting on in years, and I’d like for us to have children while I still can. What should I do?
Monkey Trouble
Dear Monkey Trouble,
Normally, I’d try to be a little more diplomatic about this, but I get the distinct impression that your boyfriend might simply have lost his marbles. If he had seriously taken the time to read up on what it takes to keep a monkey as a pet, he would know what you are getting into, and if he really loved you, he wouldn’t put you through that.
Monkeys are a lot like children, in that they need to engage in a number of social interactions. Otherwise, they can develop personality disorders, which can include, among other nasty things, chronic masturbation and the throwing of their fecal matter. They can live for somewhere between 20 and 40 years, thus arguably, a monkey is going to be keeping your boyfriend a parent longer than a real child would.
Love him as you might, if he’d rather spend more time alone with his monkey than alone with you, then he’s going to have to get used to spanking his own monkey, if you get my drift.
Have a serious talk with him, and be prepared for a separation. If you want children and he won’t take two minutes to put in what I frankly think is the most fun part about creating a child, he certainly won’t be helping raise any children. Be prepared to find yourself another man who’s interested in raising a homo sapien.
