Hi Gabby,
I’ve been dating “Jane” for about three years now, and our relationship is pretty healthy, but she gets these panic attacks where she can’t think straight, and in stead of calling me, she calls her ex-boyfriend that she dated for about ten years, “Johnny,” and he calms her down. When I ask her about it, she says that it’s okay, that Johnny calmed her down. I’m pretty confident that she’s faithful and all, but I’m not comfortable with the fact that she chooses to see him over me. I find it hurtful and insulting, but she doesn’t seem to understand why. There’s no reason I can’t do what he does. How can I explain this to her?
Frustrated Frank
Dear Frank,
Many people grow back-hair when they find out their lover has gone to see an ex-lover over them. They might say she shouldn’t even have his number. But to her, this seems perfectly normal, and it doesn’t sound like she intends any malice. Try explaining to her that you feel jealous, that you want to be the one that lifts her up in her darkest moments. Many lovers don’t just want to be with their beau for the fun parts; they also want to support them when they’re needed most.
My advice though, if she doesn’t see things your way, is not to take it personally. What you need to understand about panic attacks is that to the sufferer, they are pretty much the most terrifying experiences of their lives. Many of them think they are either dying or losing their minds. If you put yourself in that situation, and you know of a person who can calm you down, you would seek that person. If I have a really bad toothache, I’m going to call my dentist, even if she’s my ex, no matter how much I may love and trust my girlfriend the masseuse. You get my drift? Take consolation in the fact that her pain is being alleviated. At the end of the day, you’re still the one who gets to hold her when she’s glad it’s over.
